Friday, January 19, 2018

Stockholm ramblings

Holy Trash everyone! Its been more than a year since I blogged!

 I was just reading through old blogs and missing it. Why has it been so long? There's a few reasons I guess...  Blogger isn't as easy to do on my phone anymore, I don't know if they just stopped caring or what but I have to actually get on a computer. That's not easy because my kids are almost always using it. and my lap top is older than dirt, not kidding.. it sucks! My crappy lap top is a big reason I don't write anything anymore.. also life is strange now, I don't know how to explain that really, I'm not working outside the home so I should have more time or something, but I sort of don't really feel like myself. But I'm hoping that hasn't been going on for a full year! That's just madness. I haven't even missed writing really, which also is so not me.

I was going to talk some about Anxiety because I've been thinking about it a lot lately, because its digging in its claws at me and it was our subject at the council meeting for church this month. Which was crazy because I needed it I think. And I guess that not feeling like myself stuff sort of fits in that. So I guess I can start there.. Its a weird thing, I'm not really depressed or sad so I hope it doesn't sound like that is where this is coming from, I just sometimes feel like I'm almost watching from the outside. I'll drop my son off at school and just think this is so weird, just leaving him here, why do we do this? And then I wonder if its some sort of Stockholm syndrome, like have these little people taken over so much of my life I've forgotten how to be me? Sometimes it feels like I'm just doing things to pass time, to what I'm not sure, on a small scale the days are to just get to bedtime, the weeks to the weekend when Hubs is home, the months I don't know, right now its 311 day in Vegas. because there will be no little hostage takers there, because its something that is in my soul and I LOVE to do. Damn I need that, I'm so very excited for that. And sometimes I wonder if the years I'm just counting down to my kids being older, I hate that though, I don't mean it to be that way. I do love my little kids, I've even been the tiniest bit baby hungry(and I mean very tiny), But I don't know, I have friends with kids on the brink of the teens who seem very very sad about that.  In a way I look forward to it and in another I get the sadness of it. I'm pretty sure I sound like a crazy person right now, sorry, I blame my captors and my stockholm syndrome brain ;) I do love my mom life and being with my littles I'm so blessed to be able to stay home and raise them. but I mean come on moms, mom life is freaking weird!

We went to the mall today and I let the kids play at the crazy play place there. They should call that place Anxiety creek. Every time I'm there its like every nerve is on fire and all the people seem too close. we don't go often because I feel like I'm dying there but my kids love the stupid place. Its kind of a high end mall so its always filled with these moms who at least pretend to be perfectly well put together, you know the ones, I mean they're probably perfectly awesome people but they seem like they're there to make the moms like myself who don't do hair and make up any more feel like peons. Anyway it doesn't help, we need no make up sweat pants malls. But it never fails at this place, that there is at least one mom who is obviously super judgmental and I some how always sit next to them. today's lady just complained to her friend about one kid after another the whole time, one of them even being mine for telling her kid to share. *cue eye roll* maybe I have this neon sign that says hey I'm already super uncomfortable can the biggest B*#@h  in the joint please come sit and talk loudly next to me? If I do have that sign can I at least get it in other colors, just for fun?

Another thing that has been setting me off is that I said no to a calling at church. They asked me to teach the kids. I feel bad but I also know myself, and no matter what I do a few months in I'll just feel trapped there and alone, because it happens every single time. Its a really hard calling when you're a mom because you're with kids ALL the time. They did give me another calling that I said yes to, but its still been eating at me. Anyway church stuff is hard for me to talk about..

So I'm going to start to try to find me again. Blogging helps maybe I'll get back to actually writing too. How are the rest of you mama's and papas doing? Love you all!  And I'll leave you with this weird creepy song by those boys who will never be Nsync, because why not.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Why I don't regret voting 3rd party

Ive been thinking I would just keep my mouth shut today but I'm going to put this here because I need to say at least this.

I voted 3rd party and I know a lot of people are upset with people, like me who made that choice. But let me tell you why I did it and why I don't regret it.

I live in Utah where politicians don't pay much attention to us because we only have 6 little electoral votes and we haven't gone anything but red in 50 years. I'm pretty sure it would take God himself coming to Utah to ask them to vote a different way before you would see it happen. And even then I don't have much faith in them. But with the democratic candidate being so pro things like LATE TERM abortion it's hard to come to terms with in a state that is dead set pro family(which I could have a lot to say about but this isn't what this post is about). Anyway.. this brings me to point one: I felt like Utah had a better chance going purple than blue.

I wanted utah to go purple to stand up for something! I knew in reality it probably wouldn't make a difference to the outcome (and it wouldn't have). But I want to see change in the parties. This was my best option to be a part of that change in Utah.

I also didn't feel dirty voting for who I voted for, of course I don't agree with EVERY statement or belief he had but I liked him as a person and liked a great majority of what he was standing for. And honestly you will never find someone who you agree with 100% unless of course you run yourself.

I voted in a way that I could tell my children about and help me to teach them to look up to great people and not settle for someone who will belittle them, or teach them that breaking the law and endangering others is okay. I don't regret voting 3rd party just on this principle. I may not be able to tell my kids look at this man who is our president and be like him, but I can tell them I stood for what I believed in. And I hope someday more people will be brave enough to do the same.

Although if you ask me if I would've voted differently in a state that might have an impact I'd have to say I would have. Which makes me a little sad. Which is hard to explain. But I live where I live and this was the best way for me to make a stand. It wasn't to hurt anyone and I wish it would have worked. But I did what I could.

All of this being said I'm not giving up on our country. I won't stop teaching my kids that love trumps hate. I won't stop hoping for unity in our great nation. I will strive to find a way to make the world a better place even if it's only in the lives of the small majority of people I personally come in contact with.  All I can do is MY personal best. And hope it rubs off on my children and there are 2 more who do their personal best. I will continue to pray for ways to help others and for hearts to be softened and people to come together. I won't loose faith or myself.  Much love, much respect for whatever your beliefs are. Stay positive and love your life.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Sunday ramblings

I don't think it's much of a secret that church things haven't been great for me lately. I do believe in God. But I believe that any religion that brings you closer to God and gives you peace is right for you. I don't believe there is only ONE true church. I don't believe any church has all the truth. I do believe families are eternal and not just for here on earth. But the following ramblings is one of the biggest things I've been struggling with. 

Every time I talk to anyone about issues I have with the church I get some form of just follow and it will work out. But here's the thing.. We believe that in the preexistance there was a war between satan and jesus. Satans point of view was 'send me! I will make them all see the way it is and they will obey.' Or essentially I will create zombies who just follow. Where as Jesus' point of view was 'send me! I will teach them and they will be able to choose.' Or we can research and find our own way. So I'm not saying the things the church are teaching are leading us or anyone to hell BUT which plan does just follow and it will work out seem to follow along with. 

There are things I LOVE about the church but I feel like there's so much hate in the world and some of the things the people in the church do or teach isn't loving. And any research into church history isn't comforting, which we're not supposed to do because we should just follow. Any way that's only a slight scratch into my thoughts that run much deeper but i don't want to get into it that much. Not yet anyway. 

Monday, June 13, 2016

Going out more often!

We have a trip coming up in July to go see 311 in Vegas. I know big shocker, us going to another 311 show😉. We were only going to go for one night to save some money but we decided we'll only live once and we're going for 2 nights! I'm going to miss my kiddos like crazy but I'm so excited to get out there and do more.

I've been thinking a lot about it lately and a lot of times we don't go do things because of money but I think we're going to try harder to GOMO (go out more often) instead of spending money on things. 

A few of our ideas are:

1. Vacations, we've got a few planned. Vegas, Michigan, hopefully a cruise in March. 

2.lagoon! We bought season passes and plan to use them as much as possible this summer.

3. Hikes. This one doesn't even typically cost anything and it's a great way to spend time with family. We'll probably do lots of walks and spending time at the playground this summer too.

4. I put my son into a summer day camp that lasts a week that I found on groupon. 

5. And I'm looking into a strider bike race for the kids that I found through eventbrite. Which is a pretty great place to go if you're looking for actives going on near you! Evenbrite allows you to create your own events, sell tickets, and RSVP to events.

What ways are you going to GOMO? 

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Here's some TMI just for you!

So my amazing friend Aubrey has found out recently that she has endometriosis. So I'm doing this post for her. Periods should be talked about. Not just the bad ones but the normal ones. I'm not posting any of this to brag, so hopefully it doesn't come off like that. But I feel like women should know what is normal and what is not.

I'm pretty sure I'm more on the normal side. And while I'm sure everyone is different I just want to share a story from the normal side. 

First of all cramps. Yes I have them. Yes they suck, but they don't disrupt my life. I remember in high school having days where they were so bad I'd lay on the bathroom floor of our 80 some odd year old high school. Which is pretty gross and they put me on birth control to 'normalize' my hormones. And once I found a bc that didn't make me bat shit crazy, it worked. I went from 7 day periods with terrible cramps to 3 day periods with bearable cramps that could be controlled with minimal pain meds. 

I stayed on bc until after I was married and we were ready for kids. I was terrified to quit, thinking the 7 day periods and horrible cramps would come back. But they didn't. I stayed with 3 to 4 day periods and manageable cramps. It took us almost a year after quitting to get pregnant but even after my pregnancy my periods stayed 3-4 days. 

I have crazy PMS. I feel like a ticking time bomb that gets more and more wound up until I actually start my period. I get bloated and have a hard time not eating everything! I feel like I want punch evryone and tell them all they suck. I get pretty down on myself and just feel like I need to crawl out of my skin. It starts about a week prior to my period but doesn't get super bad until a day or 2 before. I can always tell the day right before because I should be locked in a room by myself and not allowed to talked to anyone! It's bad. As soon as my period starts its like a release. I still have the food cravings but everything else kind of winds down. So in a weird way I'm always happy to see my period start. And maybe that's weird and not 'normal' I don't know, but I haven't killed anyone... Yet.

So that's pretty much my normal. What's your normal? Let's talk about it.. Let's let girls know when something should be looked at more closely. Let's teach them when they need to go to a doctor and say no this isn't normal! 

And one more fun thing;) I decided to try softcups this month instead of tampons. I'm honestly a bit scared😁 does anyone else use them? So far they've been fine. I decided to try them because I'd like to switch to the diva cup, because I have this fear of some grand emergency happeneing and having to deal with tampons. Ladies this would be horrible! Anyway what are your thoughts? 

Friday, May 27, 2016


The definition of crazy is doing something over and over and expecting different results. Well I'm pretty sure all moms are bat shit crazy. 

I spend my days cleaning up messes, that will surely be returned 10 fold within 5 minutes, expecting things to stay clean for I don't know at least one day. Making meals that will get looked at with disgusted faces and barely get eaten, expecting my kids to finally go to bed without saying 'but I'm hungry!' Aw I love being mom but I hope they're saving me a good padded cell in the nut house.

How do all you moms deal with the crazy?  I know I could use a few extra arms and a few extra hours after bedtime. 

But also look my house is clean for the next 2 minutes. 

Monday, May 9, 2016

Hard days

I'm not perfect. No one is. But today has been rough. I'm not sure if it's that I'm not feeling very well, or that Mother's Day made me think about my angel baby who would be turning 2 this month, or if it's that my son has told me a thousand times he's bored today which makes me feel like a lame mom. But anyway turn up the music and hopefully turn things around tomorrow.