Dear Greyson

Today is Greyson's due date. My arms are aching to hold him today. I have this feeling that Greyson knew he'd be my last, 2 kids is just what I feel like I can handle, and I think he chose to let his little sister come instead. I feel more at peace today than I thought I would. But I miss him. I feel him with me still watching us watching out for his big brother and little sister. 

Greyson I love you and miss you and can't wait for the day that I can meet you and hold you. I've met so many great people since I lost you who have given me comfort and shown me I will hold you one day. My heart will always miss you until I'm with you. But until that day I promise to love your brother and sister and dad. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you, especially today. 

a few thoughts

This is something crazy hard for me to admit out loud, to write down here and share with people.

I'm going to start by saying first of all my husband is the most supportive amazing man I've ever met. and I know I'm lucky to have the job I do.

The other day I came across this:

I can't tell you the bells that set off in my head.  I've been struggling with my job lately and thinking about how hard it is and blaming it mostly on the job.  But you know what I realized?  its more that I always thought I'd stay home with my kids or work less at least.  I never thought my life would be seeing my husband 1 or 2 days a week and never having time for anything in order to work opposite shifts as my husband to avoid day care. It's not my job, Im lucky to have a job I can do that keeps my kid out of day care, that pays me as well as it does.  But it doesn't stop me wanting to be home more.

One day at church someone got up said something along the lines of I know god loves me because I can stay home with my kids. And that hurt my heart. It cut pretty deep for me. It didn't nessicarily make me think that God didn't love me but it made me feel like maybe I was doing something wrong. I've been thinking a lot lately about how everyone says family needs to be the most important thing. But I don't know how to make that happen. I don't have a degree for what I do, so it's not like I could quit for a few years and go back to it or something similar when my kids are in school. If I quit that's it. We're talking a huge pay cut nearly half of our income, loss of really great insurance. But I feel like as long as I'm working as much as I do I'm not putting my family first. I'm not going to do anything drastic I can't loose my insurance right now but I want holidays with my family and more time with my husband. My kids are only going to be little once and I'm missing half of it. I've been thinking a lot about these things.. And I don't know the answers yet, I'm pretty confused about it all.. But I think there is a good possibility of change in my future, maybe.. 

 

I could also use any advise from mamas who went from working full time to part time or not at all, so feel free to leave me comments:)