Dear self, I forgive you

Why does it feel this way inside of me? Why can't I let go of the hate I have, its all against myself. Dear self, I forgive you! It doesn't work. I can burry the hurt I can I hide from the Anger. ah its better. Let the Numb sink in. Move on, Find everything you need in life. Im so happy.
Betrayal, severe disapointment, you were supposed to be my bestfriend. you're supposed to be smarter than this. You're supposed to love me like I love you. And You, you of all people were supposed to learn from my self hatred, you helped me dim the pain.
Why does it feel this way inside of me? Dear self, I forgive you! I don't accept, the pain is back the numb is gone. I hate what I did. I hate who I hurt. I hate that part of me. the tears start. the anger comes back. How could you do this to me? to her? you never deserved either of us. I need to say it to someone! Dear you, you don't deserve either of them you will hurt them both! Is it fair? no. Do I love you Yes. not him he killed a part of me that will never come back. but I can't help but relate you to him. Its not my situation. its not me. it shouldn't hurt me. but the numb is gone.
God I miss them. my sweet little girls. I loved them like they were my own. I Hate him for stealing them from me, no I hate him for giving them to me and then stealing them from me. How big are they? what are they doing? Do they even remember me? Don't think about them it hurts too much. don't think about him, theres too much anger. just stop the tears. just stop the hurt.
I don't deserve him. Hes so good! he's so sweet. He really truely loves me and Ive never loved someone this way. I can't and won't live with out him. he'd never hurt someone or break something the way I have. I don't deserve it. I never thought after all I have done I would get heaven. I love you! you make me happy!
feeling inside of me please go. Dear self, I forgive you. maybe one day it will work.