Born into Heaven

Today started out normal, the semi yucky feeling of a pregnant morning in my first trimester. We had our 2nd doctors visit this morning. As we started the ultra sound the doctor said to us 'baby should be pretty cute today.'  The lights went out and ultrasound started. That's when the doctor got very quiet. after a minute of looking he said 'The baby hasn't grown at all since your last visit, I'm sorry but this isn't going to be a viable pregnancy.'  That's when my mind started screaming but we saw the tiny heartbeat last time, just 2 weeks ago.  I've been throwing up every single miserable day, telling myself in 9 months I get to hold my new little squishy in my arms and all this puking will be worth it. And now its not worth it? its all for nothing?  But I still feel sick. How can I be sick and my baby is basically dead?

The doctor rattled off 3 options that echoed around in my head bouncing off the walls and barely registering in my brain. he wants me to make a decision?  This was one of those minutes in time I didn't want to be an adult. Couldn't someone else choose? I mean this couldn't possibly be happening to me. this was wrong. That picture of the little blob still measuring 6 weeks was not my baby, my baby is 8 weeks almost 9... This just isn't right. The doctor left the room giving us a minute to think it over and decide.  In the end I couldn't choose, I could barely see through the tears or hear through my heart tearing apart. We decided to wait a week.

There's been a lot of tears, confusion, and outpouring of support. and I know there's still a journey ahead of me. I appreciate everyone who has shared their stories, love, and support today. It all means the world to me.

My heart is aching, my baby is in the arms of an Angel up with his Grandpa and Uncle. A part of me knew from the beginning this pregnancy wouldn't stick. I tried to write it off it's just because we didn't expect this pregnancy but part of me has always known it. But that won't stop the tears or the pain.