Weight of the world..

Honestly things aren't great. There's the truth. I don't say it too much because everyone has an opinion. I don't care what everyone thinks. But to be even more honest there isn't much I do care about lately. I feel pretty sad most the time, things that used to make me happy feel just out of reach and unimportant. When I say these things I feel like a walking ad for depression meds. I'm not ready to admit to depression though. And I still don't care about anyone's opinions. I'm insanely prideful and crazy private about things, yes I know it doesn't seem like I am my life is an open internet read, but is that real? I feel like it's the only connections I have right now. I never see my friends, I haven't made new ones even though the ladies in my ward always invite me out. Mostly it's due to the fact that my work schedule always seems to interfere no matter what. I mostly work Saturday nights and the one and only I end up opening is the Christmas breakfast? I think people get tired of hearing that I have to work. Has it turned into something people think is just an excuse? I don't feel like I do the things I need to, I never spend enough time with the toddler, I can't make the hubs happy, I can't make myself happy, the house is a mess, I don't see my friends, I don't eat right, I don't workout, I don't drink enough water, I'll do it tomorrow. I feel torn in a million directions. We have a vacation coming up one I insanely believe we NEED and will be good. But I'm crazy nervous about 2 nights and 3 days away from the toddler. I need 30 of me. Maybe then this would all be easier. Nights are the worst for some reason, it kind of feels like I fell into a pit. I need to find a way to pull myself out. I'd put all this on my secret blog but I've been locked out of it. I can't remember the password so you get a some what censored version of my darkness I guess. And now I'll try to sleep.