I was just reading through old blogs and missing it. Why has it been so long? There's a few reasons I guess... Blogger isn't as easy to do on my phone anymore, I don't know if they just stopped caring or what but I have to actually get on a computer. That's not easy because my kids are almost always using it. and my lap top is older than dirt, not kidding.. it sucks! My crappy lap top is a big reason I don't write anything anymore.. also life is strange now, I don't know how to explain that really, I'm not working outside the home so I should have more time or something, but I sort of don't really feel like myself. But I'm hoping that hasn't been going on for a full year! That's just madness. I haven't even missed writing really, which also is so not me.
I was going to talk some about Anxiety because I've been thinking about it a lot lately, because its digging in its claws at me and it was our subject at the council meeting for church this month. Which was crazy because I needed it I think. And I guess that not feeling like myself stuff sort of fits in that. So I guess I can start there.. Its a weird thing, I'm not really depressed or sad so I hope it doesn't sound like that is where this is coming from, I just sometimes feel like I'm almost watching from the outside. I'll drop my son off at school and just think this is so weird, just leaving him here, why do we do this? And then I wonder if its some sort of Stockholm syndrome, like have these little people taken over so much of my life I've forgotten how to be me? Sometimes it feels like I'm just doing things to pass time, to what I'm not sure, on a small scale the days are to just get to bedtime, the weeks to the weekend when Hubs is home, the months I don't know, right now its 311 day in Vegas. because there will be no little hostage takers there, because its something that is in my soul and I LOVE to do. Damn I need that, I'm so very excited for that. And sometimes I wonder if the years I'm just counting down to my kids being older, I hate that though, I don't mean it to be that way. I do love my little kids, I've even been the tiniest bit baby hungry(and I mean very tiny), But I don't know, I have friends with kids on the brink of the teens who seem very very sad about that. In a way I look forward to it and in another I get the sadness of it. I'm pretty sure I sound like a crazy person right now, sorry, I blame my captors and my stockholm syndrome brain ;) I do love my mom life and being with my littles I'm so blessed to be able to stay home and raise them. but I mean come on moms, mom life is freaking weird!
We went to the mall today and I let the kids play at the crazy play place there. They should call that place Anxiety creek. Every time I'm there its like every nerve is on fire and all the people seem too close. we don't go often because I feel like I'm dying there but my kids love the stupid place. Its kind of a high end mall so its always filled with these moms who at least pretend to be perfectly well put together, you know the ones, I mean they're probably perfectly awesome people but they seem like they're there to make the moms like myself who don't do hair and make up any more feel like peons. Anyway it doesn't help, we need no make up sweat pants malls. But it never fails at this place, that there is at least one mom who is obviously super judgmental and I some how always sit next to them. today's lady just complained to her friend about one kid after another the whole time, one of them even being mine for telling her kid to share. *cue eye roll* maybe I have this neon sign that says hey I'm already super uncomfortable can the biggest B*#@h in the joint please come sit and talk loudly next to me? If I do have that sign can I at least get it in other colors, just for fun?
Another thing that has been setting me off is that I said no to a calling at church. They asked me to teach the kids. I feel bad but I also know myself, and no matter what I do a few months in I'll just feel trapped there and alone, because it happens every single time. Its a really hard calling when you're a mom because you're with kids ALL the time. They did give me another calling that I said yes to, but its still been eating at me. Anyway church stuff is hard for me to talk about..
So I'm going to start to try to find me again. Blogging helps maybe I'll get back to actually writing too. How are the rest of you mama's and papas doing? Love you all! And I'll leave you with this weird creepy song by those boys who will never be Nsync, because why not.
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