And boom goes the bomb

Have you ever been going along in life every things going great, I mean you have good friends, work is alright, family is great... etc.  And then one day BOOM everything is kind of crumbling about you, there's cracks forming in walls that seemed sturdy just days before, and all you want to do is curl up in bed and pretend life isn't real until it all fixes itself? 

That's kind of life around me right now. Granted just about everything I see, read or hear about lately causes tears and stress... Thanks pregnancy hormones... and then people look at me funny because I'm all upset over some lady in some other county who was high on meth and stuck her 10 day old baby in the dryer and killed him.  I have no connection to this lady, I'll never meet her, I won't be on the jury that convicts her but somehow it has seriously affected my life and I just can't get over it.  Then comes the Why are you looking at me funny?  Why can't you just understand that I'm not fully in control of my emotions.  Maybe in reality people do understand that, but in the past week it seems like somehow I've become the devil and the worst person alive, because my feelings were hurt over something, or because I said I didn't want to do something. I feel like there was sympathy for others but I somehow get none.

I'm going in a different direction than I intended but these are the thoughts that flow through my head. My brain is a scary place it reminds me of a Gilmore girls Quote: "Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. "I'm writing a letter. I can't write a letter. Why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress. I wish I was wearing my blue dress. My blue dress is at the cleaners'. 'The Germans wore gray, you wore blue.' Casablanca. Casablanca's such a good movie. Casablanca. The White House. Bush. Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, unitard, hockey puck, rattlesnake monkey monkey underpants."

Anyway where was I? Honestly I'm not even sure this post has a meaning or message. There's far too much going on inside my head. I feel like my husband deserves to be treated better than he is by most people in our lives. I've mentioned before that when I feel like he's being attacked or hurt I get this butinsky instinct to chop fingers off or something. And I think it's gotten more violent and deadly with mixed in pregnancy hormones. I'd like to think my son is just as protective of him as I am and maybe that's why I get even more angry over it all. I don't know.  I do know that every time I cry and am sad my son moves around a ton to remind he's here for me. Which has happened at least once a day for the past week.

I don't know how to make things better.  I don't know if its possible to make things better. I don't know if I can let anyone say the hateful things they need to get out, without at least stabbing someone with a fork. but I do know that I can't be continuously dragged into the middle of the middle. Yes I'm well aware that made no sense, but it really does. and I'm also well aware that I've brought up things I wanted to be done talking about. again not my intention in this. I just really needed to get somethings off my brain. I've been told a million times this week to keep my thoughts to myself but that has never helped me work through anything... ever. writing it does. this blog helps. I'm sorry to those of you who think I should shut this blog down. but its part of what keeps me sane. I have another blog no one even knows about that gets way worse thoughts than what goes on here. It's private not search able and not even blogger based. its not something I'll ever share because its a place I need to put some anger away. (Don't worry its not some kill list or something, I'm not that crazy) But this blog is my talk it through, my feel my way to normalcy. I never started this blog intending for everyone to read it, or understand it or like it. I started it to track my journey, if it helps someone great! if it hurts someone I'm sorry. But I won't shut this blog down. I don't care if no one reads it ever. But getting these thoughts out helps me.

I've been somewhat quiet until this last month and I think that added to the bomb that hit my world. I know people need to work out their own stuff so I'm done being in the middle. I can't promise to not have strong feelings towards hurtful things done or said to my family (When I say family I mean my husband and baby). That will probably never change.  I love these two people more than anything. I'd quit my job for them I'd work forever for them I'd chose they live over me without thinking about it. It's hard not to get defensive. But I'm taking a step back. anything that needs to be said to my husband needs to go direct to him, I won't pass messages.   He deserves to be treated with respect. I'm taking a step back in a I need a break kind of way too. I want to spend time with my husband but I need a vacation from all things other family for a bit. Which is why life has changed on my facebook page and what not.

I'm sure most of this makes zero sense and if you read it all I owe you a cookie or something because I don't think anyone will read it. but I feel better:) it has helped to relieve some of the pressure that has been sitting on my chest. I love my in-laws and my parents and brother. I'm happy people are getting what they want in life and I truly hope it all works out! I'm working on putting my hurt feelings aside and taking things less personal but its hard some days. one step at time and a few breaks in between.  again sorry if it doesn't make sense to you I just wanted to put a little bit of me out there and where I am in life. I have no hate for anyone even though in the middle of cry sessions I may say I do. I'm working through feelings a little at a time. If you stick with me great! If not then that's okay too I won't hold it against you.