Merry Christmas to our Angel

I had a dream right after my miscarriage that my tiny new angel Greyson was being handed to my father in law by Jesus as my brother in law and niece Zoey watched. and my amazingly talented friend Rebecca Emily Cooper turned my dream into a beautiful keepsake and perfect Christmas present for my Husband and Brother and Sister in Law.

After Seths Grandma's funeral he said to me we're getting quite the collection up there.

Merry Christmas sweet Greyson,  I wish I was feeling you move inside of me and getting excited about holding you but I know that you're with our sweet collection in heaven celebrating today!

Weight of the world..

Honestly things aren't great. There's the truth. I don't say it too much because everyone has an opinion. I don't care what everyone thinks. But to be even more honest there isn't much I do care about lately. I feel pretty sad most the time, things that used to make me happy feel just out of reach and unimportant. When I say these things I feel like a walking ad for depression meds. I'm not ready to admit to depression though. And I still don't care about anyone's opinions. I'm insanely prideful and crazy private about things, yes I know it doesn't seem like I am my life is an open internet read, but is that real? I feel like it's the only connections I have right now. I never see my friends, I haven't made new ones even though the ladies in my ward always invite me out. Mostly it's due to the fact that my work schedule always seems to interfere no matter what. I mostly work Saturday nights and the one and only I end up opening is the Christmas breakfast? I think people get tired of hearing that I have to work. Has it turned into something people think is just an excuse? I don't feel like I do the things I need to, I never spend enough time with the toddler, I can't make the hubs happy, I can't make myself happy, the house is a mess, I don't see my friends, I don't eat right, I don't workout, I don't drink enough water, I'll do it tomorrow. I feel torn in a million directions. We have a vacation coming up one I insanely believe we NEED and will be good. But I'm crazy nervous about 2 nights and 3 days away from the toddler. I need 30 of me. Maybe then this would all be easier. Nights are the worst for some reason, it kind of feels like I fell into a pit. I need to find a way to pull myself out. I'd put all this on my secret blog but I've been locked out of it. I can't remember the password so you get a some what censored version of my darkness I guess. And now I'll try to sleep. 

Thankful

I've been itching to blog. There's a lot going through my head. I've been trying to decide if I should do more of a I need to get it off my chest post or a thankful for post. And I think it's going to land somewhere in the middle. But I'll start out with thankful and see where we get.

It's been a long year but there are of still so many things to be thankful for:

1. Always and forever Seth AKA the best husband ever. Surviving a miscarriage as a couple is a bonding and a heart breaking time as well as a rough time. I'm sure it depends on the couple and how it's taken. Seth and I are pretty solid, we know and understand relationships take work and we don't take each other for granted. Even in a strong relationship dealing with a miscarriage I've had moments of I need to just be alone. But Seth has been amazing supportive and loving. I couldn't do anything with out him. He's made me who I am and when I don't know exactly who that is he helps me find it. He's my best friend, my forever and always, my one true love.

2.  Taiyden. He's one of the biggest blessings in my life. If I had had a miscarriage as my first pregnancy I know I would've just said this is a sign, I'm not having any children. But I know what a sweet blessing he is in my life and because of him I'm not ready to give up. He has a beautiful soul and I love watching him learn and grow every single day. 

3. Family. My mom is always willing help out in ANY way (more than I can even write) and I don't know what I'd do with out her in my life. Thanks mom! I love you!  

My dad and Yalanda help me with Taiyden and living so close to them has been amazing. I'm grateful for Yalanda being so perfect for my dad and all the amazing things she's made for us over the years. I'm grateful for my dad being a great 'papa' and supportive dad. 

Jerri and John are probably the best in laws I could ask for. I'm grateful to have them in my life and I'm glad we got to spend some good time with them in st George this fall. And Taiyden loves when nana comes to visit!

I'm grateful for Michael, even though my husband never knew him, I wouldn't have my husband without him. I'm grateful my angel Greyson is with him, that he's loved and not alone. It's the most comforting thought I have in my life right now. 

Ryan is the best brother ever! It's strange growing up. I used to see him everyday and we'd fight and raise hell and now I hardly ever see him but he's an amazing guy. I'm so proud of who he's grown up to be. I'm glad he's my brother! 

Katy and Jon. Although Kate has only been my sister for a few years I feel like we were meant to be sisters. It's awesome having a sister. When I tell her about people I have problems with she's quick to help me fight them and support me. She's been so sweet and loving through my miscarriage. I'm happy she was brought into my life. I've known Jon an even shorter amount of time but he makes my sissa happy and Taiyden loves him so he's good in my book! 

Brandon and Brenda. I'm going to give out a possible embarrassing thing for Brandon :) I LOVE that he was posting crib ideas on Pinterest. I think it's the cutest ever! I'm so so so excited for my very first niece on my side! He's going to be a great dad! He set up a crib for us when we went to Michigan and it was fun to watch him and Taiyden. Brenda is perfect for him and I've enjoyed getting to know both of them. 

I have quite a few inlaw siblings. I'm not going to pick anyone out specifically with them. I know things aren't always perfect in that department but I do love them all.

4. Friends.  I've realized I don't have very many friends anymore. It's all because I work far too much but I'm grateful for the ones who stick by me through every thing no matter how busy I or we get. Especially my Jamie, and Jenn and Aubrey. Those are 3 that have stuck by me no matter what. I love you guys! 

5. Books. I'm grateful for the escape from reality. It's much needed sometimes. But I'm also grateful for the people brave enough to write about their miscarriage experiences. It's been super helpful. 

6. Music. If you know me this doesn't really need to be explained

7. My job. At times I really hate it, but I know I'm fortunate to have a great job and steady income. 

8. My faith

9. Our reliable cars.

10. Our house to keep us safe and warm

11. Freedom and for those who help fight to keep it free.

12. Kody dog

13. Modern technology. I'm grateful for things like our amazing baby monitor and being able to watch Taiyed while he sleeps. Or being able to know I was having miscarriage before there were any terrifying and heartbreaking signs.

Dancing in the Sky

Born into Heaven

Today started out normal, the semi yucky feeling of a pregnant morning in my first trimester. We had our 2nd doctors visit this morning. As we started the ultra sound the doctor said to us 'baby should be pretty cute today.'  The lights went out and ultrasound started. That's when the doctor got very quiet. after a minute of looking he said 'The baby hasn't grown at all since your last visit, I'm sorry but this isn't going to be a viable pregnancy.'  That's when my mind started screaming but we saw the tiny heartbeat last time, just 2 weeks ago.  I've been throwing up every single miserable day, telling myself in 9 months I get to hold my new little squishy in my arms and all this puking will be worth it. And now its not worth it? its all for nothing?  But I still feel sick. How can I be sick and my baby is basically dead?

The doctor rattled off 3 options that echoed around in my head bouncing off the walls and barely registering in my brain. he wants me to make a decision?  This was one of those minutes in time I didn't want to be an adult. Couldn't someone else choose? I mean this couldn't possibly be happening to me. this was wrong. That picture of the little blob still measuring 6 weeks was not my baby, my baby is 8 weeks almost 9... This just isn't right. The doctor left the room giving us a minute to think it over and decide.  In the end I couldn't choose, I could barely see through the tears or hear through my heart tearing apart. We decided to wait a week.

There's been a lot of tears, confusion, and outpouring of support. and I know there's still a journey ahead of me. I appreciate everyone who has shared their stories, love, and support today. It all means the world to me.

My heart is aching, my baby is in the arms of an Angel up with his Grandpa and Uncle. A part of me knew from the beginning this pregnancy wouldn't stick. I tried to write it off it's just because we didn't expect this pregnancy but part of me has always known it. But that won't stop the tears or the pain.

Identity Crisis

Some days I feel like theres so many things pulling me in so many directions. From Motherhood to friends/family, to work, to church.  I struggle with work taking 40 hours of my life every week. taking time away from my family.  I struggle with church because I'm supposed to enjoy it and learn from it, I want my son to have the values and background it provides, but I don't want to go most of the time. which makes me feel like a terrible person. It's hard when it the ONLY day I get to be with both my husband and my son. sometimes I'm just not sure who I am compared to who everyone thinks I should be.

311 in Salt Lake City 2013

This was my 15th 311 show. (Maybe 16th I know I've lost 1 possibly 2 tickets and face it I have epic mom brain, except it started long before I had my kid).  I'm pretty sure its become more of an addiction than anything else. But I can't help it. I have this bar of positivity like in video games or Scott Pilgram's pee bar, maybe not the best example, it hovers above my head all the time and lately its been empty for a bit.  The fastest way to refill that bar? 311 concerts.. Why? if you have to ask that question you've never been to a 311 concert. You've never met a real 311 fan. It's pretty amazing, the best high around.  Since I joined Twitter and met so many more excitable ones the love has grown even more. speaking of twitter.. did you know P-Nut followed me last night.. say what?! anyway enjoy the pictures and stay positive and love you life.

Excitable crew

Did I mention P-Nut followed me on Twitter?

 

 

Did you all enjoy your last Sunset in July last night?

 



Gameboard of the Gods

I just finished Richelle Meads Game board of the Gods.  I gave it 4 stars on Good reads but really only because its Richelle Mead.  I have hope for it and I liked it but there were some things that were hard for me in that book.  Any way I like to add sound tracks to my reading and this is my favorite song for this book :)

well...

Sometimes I sit and stare at the compose screen of my blog thinking "Write something... Anything" There's a lot that goes on in my head, I mean its me... but I've taken to not sharing as much. I can't tell you it's better for me and I can't tell you it's worse for me.  A lot of it is that most of my time is filled with diapers, baby food, Super Why! and baby snuggles. Its my favorite place to be. If I could pause the moments where I just get to be with my son and Husband I would. I'd never ever leave them. But life is lame.  It moves insanely fast, and only speeds up ten fold when you throw a baby in the mix. I've started looking into day cares for my boy. But the thought of daycare makes me want to punch people or throw up. I can't even remotely explain how I feel when I think about it. I'd rather just stay home. But I know all the logical reasons I can't. We need insurance, we need the money.  Sorry for going off on all of this.. It's one of the things that really sits in the front of my brain most the time. I came across a tweet the other day stating that working moms aren't as much of a mom, or something to that effect.. all I could see after reading it was red. I don't remember who said it I think it was a re tweet but are you fucking kidding me?? I work until nearly 1 am almost every single night. I get up at 7:30 every single morning. I feed, dress, play with, snuggle my baby all day and work my ass off all night so my family can have decent health insurance and a good home to live in. Plus I clean my house do the dishes and laundry (admittedly I have the BEST Husband ever and we split all that 50/50) Tell me how I'm any less of a mom.  If anything I think I'm more of a mom.  I sacrifice a hell of a lot for my family. I also get tired of people thinking I can just drop everything and do whatever they want me to... It's nice that your stay at home all dayness allows you to do whatever you want.

Anyway I'm going off on a crazy path.. I don't mean to be so daisy downer.. Life is good too. I really truly have the best Husband and Son I could ever ask for. and I'm lucky to have the job I do.. My struggles in life haven't been as hard as some or even most. I have great friends and family.. I'm grateful for all the good I really am. I'm also very ready for a vacation. :)

What a week!

It's been quite a week. It all started last Wednesday when my mom had a stroke. All I could think was she's got to be too young for this! It was terrifying! She lost a lot of her movement in her right arm and leg. And her speech was pretty labored. Her speech is a lot better and she's working very hard to regain a normal life. I'm extremely proud of the progress she's made in one short week.
Then my brother thinking he had a new job quit his old job (where he worked in a mechanic shop) the very next day the clutch on car went out. And he hasn't heard back from the job he thought he had gotten.
My 9 month old and I have got quite the cold going on where we share snotty kisses all day now that he loves to give kisses.
In the move of hospitals my mom had to do her phone was dropped and the screen was shattered. Within 2 days of that my husband dropped and shattered his phone screen.
On our anniversary I lost our digital camera which had the pictures of my sons birth on it.
I feel the weight of all of this sitting on my shoulders yet some how I'm able to keep going. Have you ever heard that poem about the feet prints in sand? I think god is carrying me this week. I know it will get better. I just have to keep my head up. And remember that I always have my perfect husband and beautiful boy, as well as the rest of my family and God to carry me when I need it.

Do you ever have these weeks?

Love story

Once upon a time a girl met a boy. There was something about this boy and she knew it from the first words she spoke to him.  From the way he hardly knew what to say to the way he easily made her smile. He was magical he was perfect, but that first night he was gone all too fast. through the use of beautiful song lyrics and tales told over the book of faces she fell madly deeply truly in love with this boy. When this boy and this girl finally spent real time together the sparks felt real and beautiful.  And then he kissed her...

'Mom I'm going to marry this boy I just know it' the girl exclaimed. 'I can feel it he's perfect.' The boy and the girl were inseparable for months. She soaked up his love and attention.  She wrapped herself in his sweet words and the beautiful music they shared. And one day the boy asked the girls dad if he could marry her. The girl had no idea.. not even a clue. The boy took her to her favorite place ever.  where he got down on one knee and promised to love her forever and ever. The girl said...

Their union was the most beautiful the land had ever seen.  None could ever compare.  You could see by the look in his eye that she was all he could see. And she knew she was the luckiest girl ever. They had everything.  They would love each other until the end of time.  Then one day they knew the end of time would never be enough.  They needed to make their love last even longer and so they did. It would be their...

They didn't think there could possibly ever be anything more to make their lives more perfect. Until one day the girl felt a flutter in her stomach.  Soon their duet would become a trio.

The girl felt her heart grow.  She never knew there was even more room for the boy he already filled so much of her heart. Soon her heart would be shared with another boy. But the first boy would always be her number one.  The one her heart really beat for.

And they lived happily ever after.. never never the End

Being a Mom has made me weak

I've always had a softy in me that feels a bit of my heart breaking when reading sad stories involving children, but since becoming a mom I can't make it through those same stories without bawling and holding my baby tight.

After the Sandy Hook shooting I don't think I put my son down for days, well aside from when I was at work. I cried (Ugly break down kind of cry) every single day for a week and I still have a hard time when I see signs and pink ribbons for sweet Emilie Parker. One of my supervisors and I even bought flowers to put on the counters at work in honor of her, because I just couldn't get her and the other sweet babies lost off of my mind.

I just read this blog post here and I'm still in tears looking at my son on the baby monitor wanting to run in and pick him up. I will be fastening all of my furniture to walls VERY SOON!!! I'd do it right now if I could. My son is now pulling himself up on EVERYTHING! He has pulled toys and bouncers over on himself but for some reason I haven't thought much about this.  I can't imagine going through something sooo awful! When I first brought baby home I had these horrible thoughts of waking up and finding him in his crib with a blanket wrapped around his head or some other unimaginable scenario, I can't even really say the words. I don't know what I would do with out this little person. he's only been in my life 7 months.  There are 2 people in this world I would literally die of heart break to lose, my son and husband. I don't even want to think about it.

But seriously people, secure your furniture, hug your children and tell them you love them. You just never know... and I pray none of you, or I, EVER go through something so horrible.