Part 2: child of divorce

This post may end up taking me days to write, and possibly even more time to post. There's a lot to this. I'm not going to speak much of things that caused my parents divorce if I can help it.  I'm not out to hurt my family. But there are things on my mind things I've avoided for years.

I wasn't all that young when my parents got divorced. I was in high school, and maybe that made things worse because I felt like I just needed to be an adult and deal with it. I can't remember exactly when things started getting rough in my family/for my parents. I do remember when I was in 5th grade my  mom, my brother and I  moved to Ohio.  The plan was that we'd stay there for a year and see how things went. I started out brave and maybe even a little excited to start at a new school. But there were issues when we got there.  The apartment that we were going to rent wasn't ready and we had to stay at my grandma's for awhile.  I remember my mom not being very happy about it, and as I look back I wonder if maybe she was displacing her unhappiness.  I vaguely remember some disagreement about drinking glasses, I don't know exactly why I find this important to the story but I remember sadness just building up.

We ended up only staying the summer. I never even started at the new school. Our family dog got hit by a car back in Utah and I remember crying and feeling like I needed to be with my dad too. He was alone now and no one was happy where we were.  It wasn't very long after we moved back home that we moved into the house my dad lives in now. I can't say I remember a lot between then and when my mom moved out. I've blocked a lot of it I think.  I honestly don't even remember exactly when or how the end actually all came about. But like I said, I was in High school, I remember thinking I was fine, and it didn't matter. But I wasn't really going to school, or trying, I figured I was just being a teenager and I just didn't want to be at school.  I spent most my days with people making poor choices and doing stupid things, while I pushed feelings inside and ignored any pain.

I started this intending to share more feelings than story, however that is harder than I expected. I don't think that my life would have been better if my parents had stayed together. I do think I should have faced my feelings about it all instead of jumping into a serious relationship, which I don't think is a good idea for any teenager, but it's common. Or just ignoring every feeling, which I've realized I do a lot of until I see things again and blow up all my feelings about situations on other people. I also kind of live by this I wouldn't have what I do if life had turned out differently, so I always have a hard time saying I should/shouldn't have done this or that. That attitude may add to how I never face issues, I don't really know.

I really feel like this post hasn't done what I wanted it to, but maybe its just a start still. I've been working on a list of people I need to forgive. on this list I'm supposed to do first all the people I feel have greatly hurt me and then everyone I can remember ever (including even some random lady who stole my parking spot).  I've been trying to work out feelings as I write each name. It's funny the emotion just writing a name can bring.  It's strange how far back feelings really go.

The Fear

So far through out my pregnancy I haven't been scared of what's to come at the end. I've been excited to hold my little one and have this experience. Everyone asks me if I'm scared and I've honestly been able to answer that I'm not. Every night I have to get up about 700 times to pee, its a little insane. And a lot of the time it takes me a really long time to fall back asleep, I'm just getting that no sleep practice in I suppose. And last night about 2 am was the first time I had any real anxiety about labor. I still don't want to call it fear but I had about 15 minutes of "Oh my goodness I have to push this ever growing human out of a very small space!"  

I think this fear was brought about because things are changing fast now. With my son gaining at least 1/2 a pound a week now, things leaking that have never had a purpose before, the back pains, and occasional Braxton Hicks contractions, it's all becoming a little more real.   I only have 7 weeks left. 7 weeks to make sure everything at work is taken care of, 7 weeks to make sure I have everything needed for baby (Which I don't even know everything I need!!). 

On one hand I'm ready to be done with all that.  On the other I feel like there is so much left to do.  The anxiety has calmed down a bit again.  But it makes me laugh how the closer I get the more people tell me how much it hurts, followed by breastfeeding horror stories. Thanks love you all:)  I guess I'll be more prepared, or I'll just think I am and it will be worse than I think! LOL really I'm quite excited for my son to get here all in all.

Part 1

I said in my previous post that I've been working on a few things in my personal life. I'd say I've been quietly working on these things, praying and dealing with them inside my head for about a month.. And I've been semi talking things through with the hubs for about a week. But as always I like to write things out. These posts will keep the titles of part 1 or whatever part I'm at and I will not be posting links to them on twitter or Facebook. This really is just for me. I'm happy to share with others who would like to follow along but in no way expect or hope anyone will.

In a previous post called 'Grateful' I told a very tiny part of my history. I struggled with that post. I didn't want to bring up a past that would hurt my husband or be portrayed as a message to someone else. I've felt very unsure of this post and many times contemplated pulling it entirely. And really it's a very very tiny part of my story. But it's a start to what I'm working through. It's a part of something I thought I had gotten over but as I look inside myself I'm finding a path that goes further back than that.

When my parents got divorced I was given a book (I honestly don't remember by who. I remember talking to one psychologist who told me I had some pent up anger, which only made me mad at her.. Or so I thought at the time. But really looking back maybe I was just redirecting that anger. Maybe the book came from her?) the book is called the forgiveness formula, I've never even opened this book. My thought process being I have no one to forgive. But recently I was sitting home on my day off and I just started bawling (well yeah I'm pregnant) and this book popped into my mind and I knew it was sitting downstairs calling to me. I hit a breaking point. I hit a fork in the road and my heart cried out to me I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm not going to go into too much detail in this part about everything that seemed to hit me all at once, but I may eventually get there. Its stuff still being worked through in my head and stuff I'm a little scared to share still.

But I do want to share, and maybe it's a little window into how I feel, somethings I've really liked in the book so far.

'withholding forgiveness is valid for as long as it serves you. Those who have not experienced much pain in their lives are often the first to advocate forgiveness, as though it were a moral failing not to forgive. Those people urging easy forgiveness often have no great understanding of the suffering involved.'

I like this because again as I look back through my past, my understanding and hurt from certain situations is much greater than others. I'm realizing exactly where my hurt is coming from and working on my journey through these things.

The book gives 10 golden rules I wanted to share a few of my favorites.

-You are the only one who can change- those who have done you wrong have nothing to do with your forgiveness process.
-You can only forgive when you are ready. It won't work until you are.
-If you can learn to forgive yourself, you are more than halfway there.

The book also shared a story of a brother and sister who hadn't spoken for 40 years. Neither could even remember exactly why they stopped talking at that point. But the sister died before they could ever reconnect.

I cried through this whole story. My grandfather has a similar story and it relates to people I love right now, right here. I know things need to change in my life. I know I want a happier life for my son. And I know that some of the ugly things I hold inside need to leave and go away forever. But I'm only at part 1. Writing it has gotten me much closer to part 2.

Forgiveness means completely letting go the hurt a person has done to you. But it does not mean forgetting what has happened. We need to remember so we can learn from them to better our own lives and pass on a happier generation.

So my journey begins.

Pile Up

I've been working through somethings in my life lately and I'm learning that some of my issues go really far back.  I've learned that things seem to all happen at once and every little thing can lead to something else.

This is a little how my life is.  I've been working through some feelings in my personal life. I've been dealing with problem after problem at work. And trying to figure out insurance nonsense. I don't want to go into a whole lot of detail of what I've been going through especially in my personal life because I'm still working on it. And I'd rather not talk about work because I'm tired of telling the same story over and over for now just assume everything is 'just broken.'

I have questions about insurance stuff but am not sure who it is I should ask..... so I'm mostly writting this pointless post to get a little of the things spining in my head out... sorry if it makes no sense:) If you happen to know anything about Health insurance and want to answer some questions for me I'd appreciate it:)

Hope your life isn't as piled up as mine right now!

Grateful

I'm going to start this post with a bit of a disclaimer. The subject matter of this post is something I've been thinking about since I got pregnant, that's 7 months now. We all know I do better writing my feelings out. This is intended as a part of MY journey only not anything against, or for anyone I know. This is probably the most personal I've been on this blog in awhile. 'If I get it all down on paper(blog) it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to.. These words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to' As always.. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT DON'T READ IT. You've been warned, I'm not out to start drama, so if you take offense it's on you not me;)

We had our birthing class today. A lot of it wasn't too new in information. But it was a good class. We got to see the hospital we'll be having the baby in. And get more in detail about the steps of labor and delivery. Knowledge is power after all. although they showed me the epidural needle and I'm not sure that knowledge has any power, except in my nightmares! But anyway.

Sitting in front of us was a couple, the husband had been married before and had 2 girls and this was the wife's first baby. This situation hit me close to home. I don't know what people know of my past but my ex had 2 girls and had previously been married. As I sat there I couldn't help thinking how lucky I was to be in my situation and not the one sitting right in front of me, I had come all too close to that. And what I didn't know at the time of that relationship was 1. It was so far from what I wanted and 2. So opposite and wrong from what was out there and waiting for me.

When I was in this previous relationship I had this giant insecurity about everything we did because he'd already done it and I felt like I wasn't special or important because of this. When this relationship started to get more serious and we talked about things like moving in together, marriage and kids I would hope with all hopes that if we did have a kid, we could have a boy so it would be different and a first for us both.

I have to veer off a tiny bit and say I think this isn't the greatest reason to want a girl or boy. What if we'd had a girl? I think I would've struggled with that, all because he'd done it before. Now that I'm in this loving, real and happy relationship and we're having our first baby together it really didn't matter to me what we had. I'm beyond thrilled to be having a boy, because he's mine and he's hubs and he's being born from a love that will keep on burning. And I honestly don't care if we end up with all boys or a combo of both.. Because they'll be ours!

The reason I feel like I need to get this all out is because I can't imagine my life without my husband. And the security he provides me, both physically and mentally. I was so lost for awhile. I'm so grateful for how everything ended up. I can't ever tell anyone how much I love and care for my husband. No one would understand. And I think I needed to go through all of those insecurities and horrible times in my life so I could understand it myself. So I could truly appreciate my husband and son.

When my other relationship ended it felt like the dark side of the moon and meeting hubs was like moving to paradise. I don't know that what I'm feeling or what it is inside of me is coming across right, but I had to share it. As I sat there today listening to the husband in front of us lean over to his 'new' wife after everything the nurse said to say oh it was like that with daughter #1, or we did that with daughter #2, I felt my need to share a bit of my story grow. I felt my heart grow thankful for Hubs and even the sad and broken times in my previous life. I'm soooo excited to share this new experience with my husband to learn with him, to grow with him, and to be on the same level and page as him. I never knew exactly what I wanted until I met him and his fingers interlaced with mine. I was a goner the second I looked in his eyes and suddenly my whole life made sense. I know this baby will probably change my view of life a bit again, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm with the right man. I'm in the right situation. We did it the right way for us. And I'll love him forever.

A Song

I was just sitting catching up on some blogs and looking at my Friend Miken's blog and the beautiful pictures of the new baby. When a picture of BIL2 popped into my head of him holding Nephew(K) at the hospital when Nephew(M) was born.  And I swear at the same second that picture came to mind my ipod started playing one of the first songs I heard after hearing about his death. and cue the pregnancy water works. I really wish that I would be able to get pictures of BIL2 with my sweet baby!

anyway I figured I'd share the song and try to compose myself a little.

Favorite Things

Okay here's something embarrassing, I was listening to my ipod and favorite things came on, you know the song from Sound of Music? I love that song... but anyway I've been trying to think of something to blog about.. I know I've done something similar in posts before but here are the things that make me happy when I'm sad.

The way my husband looks at me. 

When I saw you I fell in love. and you smiled because you knew. -William Shakespeare

The fact that I get to keep my family forever.

I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

My baby boy! he's all super cute and wiggly!  I can't wait to meet him, hold him and love him forever. 

You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

Having been Married for 2 years and only loving my husband more and more everyday!

Newlyweds become oldyweds, and oldyweds are the reasons that families work. ~Author Unknown

My house and being able to decorate my sons room anyway I want to.

Home is where the heart is.

Spring! and having a yard full of pretty spring just outside my door.



 No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb

My Nursery class.

I am a child of God

My family.

I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. ~Dan Wilcox

My everyday kisses from Hubs.

A kiss seals two souls for a moment in time. ~Levende Waters

All about Baby

We recently had our Maternity pictures done by Jon at perceptional reality. And they turned out so super cute!

Here's a few: (All rights belong to perceptional reality)

 We've been working on the baby room.  there is still more I want to do but its coming along pretty nice:)

That's all I've got for now just wanted to share:) oh but its spring time and look how beautiful my trees are!!