Grateful

I'm going to start this post with a bit of a disclaimer. The subject matter of this post is something I've been thinking about since I got pregnant, that's 7 months now. We all know I do better writing my feelings out. This is intended as a part of MY journey only not anything against, or for anyone I know. This is probably the most personal I've been on this blog in awhile. 'If I get it all down on paper(blog) it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to.. These words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to' As always.. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT DON'T READ IT. You've been warned, I'm not out to start drama, so if you take offense it's on you not me;)

We had our birthing class today. A lot of it wasn't too new in information. But it was a good class. We got to see the hospital we'll be having the baby in. And get more in detail about the steps of labor and delivery. Knowledge is power after all. although they showed me the epidural needle and I'm not sure that knowledge has any power, except in my nightmares! But anyway.

Sitting in front of us was a couple, the husband had been married before and had 2 girls and this was the wife's first baby. This situation hit me close to home. I don't know what people know of my past but my ex had 2 girls and had previously been married. As I sat there I couldn't help thinking how lucky I was to be in my situation and not the one sitting right in front of me, I had come all too close to that. And what I didn't know at the time of that relationship was 1. It was so far from what I wanted and 2. So opposite and wrong from what was out there and waiting for me.

When I was in this previous relationship I had this giant insecurity about everything we did because he'd already done it and I felt like I wasn't special or important because of this. When this relationship started to get more serious and we talked about things like moving in together, marriage and kids I would hope with all hopes that if we did have a kid, we could have a boy so it would be different and a first for us both.

I have to veer off a tiny bit and say I think this isn't the greatest reason to want a girl or boy. What if we'd had a girl? I think I would've struggled with that, all because he'd done it before. Now that I'm in this loving, real and happy relationship and we're having our first baby together it really didn't matter to me what we had. I'm beyond thrilled to be having a boy, because he's mine and he's hubs and he's being born from a love that will keep on burning. And I honestly don't care if we end up with all boys or a combo of both.. Because they'll be ours!

The reason I feel like I need to get this all out is because I can't imagine my life without my husband. And the security he provides me, both physically and mentally. I was so lost for awhile. I'm so grateful for how everything ended up. I can't ever tell anyone how much I love and care for my husband. No one would understand. And I think I needed to go through all of those insecurities and horrible times in my life so I could understand it myself. So I could truly appreciate my husband and son.

When my other relationship ended it felt like the dark side of the moon and meeting hubs was like moving to paradise. I don't know that what I'm feeling or what it is inside of me is coming across right, but I had to share it. As I sat there today listening to the husband in front of us lean over to his 'new' wife after everything the nurse said to say oh it was like that with daughter #1, or we did that with daughter #2, I felt my need to share a bit of my story grow. I felt my heart grow thankful for Hubs and even the sad and broken times in my previous life. I'm soooo excited to share this new experience with my husband to learn with him, to grow with him, and to be on the same level and page as him. I never knew exactly what I wanted until I met him and his fingers interlaced with mine. I was a goner the second I looked in his eyes and suddenly my whole life made sense. I know this baby will probably change my view of life a bit again, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm with the right man. I'm in the right situation. We did it the right way for us. And I'll love him forever.