This post may end up taking me days to write, and possibly even more time to post. There's a lot to this. I'm not going to speak much of things that caused my parents divorce if I can help it. I'm not out to hurt my family. But there are things on my mind things I've avoided for years.
I wasn't all that young when my parents got divorced. I was in high school, and maybe that made things worse because I felt like I just needed to be an adult and deal with it. I can't remember exactly when things started getting rough in my family/for my parents. I do remember when I was in 5th grade my mom, my brother and I moved to Ohio. The plan was that we'd stay there for a year and see how things went. I started out brave and maybe even a little excited to start at a new school. But there were issues when we got there. The apartment that we were going to rent wasn't ready and we had to stay at my grandma's for awhile. I remember my mom not being very happy about it, and as I look back I wonder if maybe she was displacing her unhappiness. I vaguely remember some disagreement about drinking glasses, I don't know exactly why I find this important to the story but I remember sadness just building up.
We ended up only staying the summer. I never even started at the new school. Our family dog got hit by a car back in Utah and I remember crying and feeling like I needed to be with my dad too. He was alone now and no one was happy where we were. It wasn't very long after we moved back home that we moved into the house my dad lives in now. I can't say I remember a lot between then and when my mom moved out. I've blocked a lot of it I think. I honestly don't even remember exactly when or how the end actually all came about. But like I said, I was in High school, I remember thinking I was fine, and it didn't matter. But I wasn't really going to school, or trying, I figured I was just being a teenager and I just didn't want to be at school. I spent most my days with people making poor choices and doing stupid things, while I pushed feelings inside and ignored any pain.
I started this intending to share more feelings than story, however that is harder than I expected. I don't think that my life would have been better if my parents had stayed together. I do think I should have faced my feelings about it all instead of jumping into a serious relationship, which I don't think is a good idea for any teenager, but it's common. Or just ignoring every feeling, which I've realized I do a lot of until I see things again and blow up all my feelings about situations on other people. I also kind of live by this I wouldn't have what I do if life had turned out differently, so I always have a hard time saying I should/shouldn't have done this or that. That attitude may add to how I never face issues, I don't really know.
I really feel like this post hasn't done what I wanted it to, but maybe its just a start still. I've been working on a list of people I need to forgive. on this list I'm supposed to do first all the people I feel have greatly hurt me and then everyone I can remember ever (including even some random lady who stole my parking spot). I've been trying to work out feelings as I write each name. It's funny the emotion just writing a name can bring. It's strange how far back feelings really go.
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