Part 1

I said in my previous post that I've been working on a few things in my personal life. I'd say I've been quietly working on these things, praying and dealing with them inside my head for about a month.. And I've been semi talking things through with the hubs for about a week. But as always I like to write things out. These posts will keep the titles of part 1 or whatever part I'm at and I will not be posting links to them on twitter or Facebook. This really is just for me. I'm happy to share with others who would like to follow along but in no way expect or hope anyone will.

In a previous post called 'Grateful' I told a very tiny part of my history. I struggled with that post. I didn't want to bring up a past that would hurt my husband or be portrayed as a message to someone else. I've felt very unsure of this post and many times contemplated pulling it entirely. And really it's a very very tiny part of my story. But it's a start to what I'm working through. It's a part of something I thought I had gotten over but as I look inside myself I'm finding a path that goes further back than that.

When my parents got divorced I was given a book (I honestly don't remember by who. I remember talking to one psychologist who told me I had some pent up anger, which only made me mad at her.. Or so I thought at the time. But really looking back maybe I was just redirecting that anger. Maybe the book came from her?) the book is called the forgiveness formula, I've never even opened this book. My thought process being I have no one to forgive. But recently I was sitting home on my day off and I just started bawling (well yeah I'm pregnant) and this book popped into my mind and I knew it was sitting downstairs calling to me. I hit a breaking point. I hit a fork in the road and my heart cried out to me I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm not going to go into too much detail in this part about everything that seemed to hit me all at once, but I may eventually get there. Its stuff still being worked through in my head and stuff I'm a little scared to share still.

But I do want to share, and maybe it's a little window into how I feel, somethings I've really liked in the book so far.

'withholding forgiveness is valid for as long as it serves you. Those who have not experienced much pain in their lives are often the first to advocate forgiveness, as though it were a moral failing not to forgive. Those people urging easy forgiveness often have no great understanding of the suffering involved.'

I like this because again as I look back through my past, my understanding and hurt from certain situations is much greater than others. I'm realizing exactly where my hurt is coming from and working on my journey through these things.

The book gives 10 golden rules I wanted to share a few of my favorites.

-You are the only one who can change- those who have done you wrong have nothing to do with your forgiveness process.
-You can only forgive when you are ready. It won't work until you are.
-If you can learn to forgive yourself, you are more than halfway there.

The book also shared a story of a brother and sister who hadn't spoken for 40 years. Neither could even remember exactly why they stopped talking at that point. But the sister died before they could ever reconnect.

I cried through this whole story. My grandfather has a similar story and it relates to people I love right now, right here. I know things need to change in my life. I know I want a happier life for my son. And I know that some of the ugly things I hold inside need to leave and go away forever. But I'm only at part 1. Writing it has gotten me much closer to part 2.

Forgiveness means completely letting go the hurt a person has done to you. But it does not mean forgetting what has happened. We need to remember so we can learn from them to better our own lives and pass on a happier generation.

So my journey begins.