I swore I wouldn't do this..

I hate politics. I hate what it does to people. I mostly keep my opinion to myself, but we all know how I get when something really bothers me.... Soo.. I'm sharing my opinion now. Hate if you will.. Share your opinions, I don't care but as always, if you don't like it don't read it. I'm not going to hold a gun to your head and make you, because I'm not a crazy person! Which brings me to my point:

I'm getting really really sick of people saying we need to just get rid of guns. First of all it wasn't the damn gun that killed those precious tiny babies.. (Which by the way I have not stopped crying about since it happened.) it was the crazy piece if s**t holding the gun. If one of those amazing teachers/principle who guarded those kids with their own lives had been carrying with a concealed weapons permit do you think there would have been as many deaths? I highly doubt it. If you outlaw guns the ONLY thing you're doing is taking away guns from the law abiding people who already handle guns correctly and go through all the right channels to get them. The idiots who do this crap don't do it the right way.. Are you kidding me! They would get them just as illegally as they do now. AND there would be no good guys with guns to save your vote to take away rights ass. Way to go. What's next out law sugar because its bad for you too? Take away cars because they kill people too? Why not just choose everyone's jobs and spouses and places of residents for them too. Who needs freedom right?

I personally think that at the very least principles should be allowed to have a permit and gun. I do think that information should be disclosed to the parents, because you have a right to decide if you're comfortable with that for your child that's your choice your freedom, but me , I'd be okay with someone who already gets background checks run on them all the time and who loves my child and all kids being able to protect them. I'd let my kid go to that school. Anyway.. I shared.. It's out there and I'm done.

Don't blink

I can't believe I've had my little bundle of joy for 6 months now. He's growing so fast its pretty unreal poor little bug is teething right now and he's mostly miserable. It's hard to watch, but I feel like if I close my eyes for one second he'll be three years old or worst 18 and moving out. It's hard to believe my pregnancy felt like it lasted for years and the last 6 months have felt like merely days. I watch videos from when he was only a few days old and I miss it so much.  It's such a strange thing to try and understand. I'm so excited to see how he grows, hear his first words, watch his first step, help him in school, meet his first date. But I want time to freeze at the same time. I want him to stay little only love me. I've never been so mixed up inside. It's so strange. I'm enjoying every single second I get and that's how it will stay, for my number 2 guy, (because daddy will always be number 1 in my heart).  I can never explain the actual feelings of being a mom. But its amazing! Just don't blink!

This is Halloween!

What is everyone going as this year?

Happy Halloween!

Wanna talk?

Do you miss me? Do you know why it hurts? Do you care? Do you have days like I do where you want it better? Or would you rather it never? Do you have days like I do where you never want to see me? Do you even see? Do you even care? Did you ever? Will it get better? Or will it get worse? I feel like an outcast in a place I was first. And I just want to scream. I never know what to do.

Writing

So I did some writing tonight. It's been a year or longer since I've written anything! I forget how much better it makes me feel. When the voices in my head don't have an outlet they make me crazy. Feeling so much more calm tonight than I have in awhile.. I went from just over 1000 words to 7200 tonight:)

Night night sweet dreams all!

Strong All Along

Going back to work has been easier than I thought. It's still pretty horrible though. I miss my kid so much when I'm gone. I'm learning I'm stronger than I thought though. I can do it. I wish I could be home more. But I feel like the bonding time while I'm away between my boys is important too.

Speaking of Strong.  Baby boy is 14lbs 13oz!! he's growing so much! When I looked at him this morning I thought "you look you so much older already!" He's amazing in the things he can do and the growth he goes through daily.

All mixed up

Sometimes I miss my friend. Well always I miss my friend. I say sometimes because for awhile that friend turned into someone else. Which happens to everyone. We all hurt the people we love sometimes. Some of it easy to forgive and forget. Some of it easy to forgive but never to forget. And some of it unforgivable. It's human nature. But if you have any religious background you're taught to always forgive right? What about the things that feel so unforgivable? Prayer helps some. But the human mind is a cruel thing. It likes to remember the pain. I think for me if I can't work things out in my own way then it never goes away. It makes me feel sick and staby. I try and I pretend good for awhile but then that hurt creeps back in. I tell it no I push it down but well it's all mixed up. I dont know how to make things better. I can't be me so I don't think I fully can. But it's so mixed up I feel unimportant and uncared about by many.

311 song title challenge

I've decided that when I have down time IE baby is sleeping hubs is at work or whatever I'm going to throw my 311 songs on random and write a blog post with the same title as the first song that comes up.  So enjoy :)

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Which hits close to home for me.  My Grandma battled breast cancer for most of her life, a battle that eventually took her from us.

Its a great month to remember all those who fight for their lives and if you're able to donate and help find a cure there are a million ways to do that this month. Even at my work you can purchase a large popcorn in a pink tub with a portion of the money going to a cure for breast cancer.

If you're over 40 or have a family history of breast cancer make sure you're getting a mammogram every 1 to 2 years. Early detection is the key! for more information about mammograms go here.

If you or a loved one has Breast Cancer you can find support or donate here.

Happy October! Help find the cure!

A few things I've been meaning to share

I'm such a slacker I never write on here any more! what is everyone up to? Things are great at my house. My son is sleeping more at night and even starting to take better naps too. It's nice. Being back at work hasn't been as horrible as I thought it would be.  It's in no way an easy thing and I cry on the way to work just about every day. I'll get there. It will all be okay, maybe not today but someday right?

Any way there's a few things I've been meaning to share with you! Remember My friend Rebecca Emily Cooper and all the beautiful artwork she's done for me and my family? These ones:

 

 

She's pretty amazing right?? Well she did it again for me!  I can't express how much I adore these beautiful paintings! But check this out:

 

 

I love it sooo much! She does such a great job capturing the moment! And all three of these are more precious to me than anyone could ever know. If you want a beautiful painting of your own she'll do one for you just go HERE.  You wont regret it!

 

 

The other thing I've been meaning to share with you is that the littlest Gabby has started her own photography business! Sunshine Memories.  So if you need some great pictures done check her out.  She's got a great special going for fall pictures and she's going to be doing baby's 6 month and our Christmas pictures for us!  I'll post a few when we get them done! Her link is on my side bar too if you want to come back later!

 

 

Hope all is well baby just woke up from his nap so I gotta run! LOVE YOU!



Sick

I'm sitting at lake Powell on the back of the house boat by myself, listening to the water and the wind. Im of course unable to post this as there is no service here, but I'm in a need to write mood.

I just put my beautiful amazing son to sleep. He laughed at his dad today. God it was a beautiful sound. But all I could think as he stared up at me with those big blue eyes was, I have 2 more nights where I can put him to bed and then I have 5 nights where I can't. And my heart hurts. He's sleeping away in the room next to me and tears are streaming down my face. I'm glad everyone is up front so I can be alone. I'm trying so hard not to cry but I can't stop myself. Not to tonight. I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been in the sun the past 3 days.. Or that I'm feeling a bit motion sick. But let's be real this isn't the first time I've cried over going back to work. I know it won't be the last. In fact I'm sure Tuesday is going to be a nightmare. I've yet to find someone to watch him till hubs gets home. I don't want to. But I know I have to.

I try to think of the good things about work, like how I like what I do, and I'll be able to fit into my work polos again, and I get to do something new when I get back. But none of that comes close to the feeling of putting my baby to sleep. Not even a tiny little bit. I hate money and the politics of the world we live in.

Dear world I brought you this tiny amazing person. Isn't that enough? Why must you demand more? I just feel sick.

The Leibster Award

The Liebster Award is given by bloggers to up and coming bloggers as a way to spread the word about smaller blogs who deserve a bigger audience. This award is an honor, but once nominated you must earn it:

• You must list 11 things about yourself
• Answer 11 questions put to you by the person who nominated you
• Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and post 11 questions for them to answer
• Visit your nominee's pages to inform them of their award

My Questions from Aubrey:

1. What do you do when you have time to yourself? There isn't a lot of that these days with an almost 3 month old baby. but mostly I grocery shop and sleep.. yup the glamorous life of a mom!
2. What's your favorite thing to do with your kids?     Teach him new sounds. He's starting to mimic and its the cutest freaking thing I've ever seen in my whole life!
3. Does the toilet paper go over the roll, or under the roll?    OVER, I HATE when it gets put on backwards and its the middle of the night, I'm far too tired to figure it out at that point. 
4. When it comes to your blog, what is your ultimate goal? It's a place for me to vent and share my opinion.  Sometimes it gets me into a lot of trouble because I have a lot of those opinions. I never really expect anyone to read my blog so its fun and surprising when I get comments:)
5. Would you rather swim in a pool or an ocean?   I'd have to say pool.  Oceans always seem like a good idea until you're all itchy from the salt water.
6. What is your favorite holiday, and why? Holidays are rough for me because I typically work every single one. but I love Thanksgiving.  The parade on TV the awesome food and family.  It doesn't get much better than that.
7. What is the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you? I'm constantly doing embarrassing things. I'd have to say the one I do the most is I'm bad with names and things like that.  So I always call people by the wrong names. Maybe that's dumb but I always get so embarrassed.
8. What is your favorite book? I have so many.  My newest favorite is Everneath by Brodi Ashton.  I love it to pieces and can't wait to get my hands on the next one. but give me anything Richelle Mead and I'll finish it in a day, even if I've already read it.
9. What are you currently most addicted to?   Pinterest and anything that can keep me awake while I feed my son at 3am. I also have been doing a lot of reading on my nook app. So maybe I should just say my iPhone.
10. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?  I have to pick just one?? Have you seen my travel board on Pinterest? Oh man, probably the 311 day cruise, that counts right?
11. What is your favorite thing about blogging?   Connecting with other bloggers. And the feeling I get letting out my craziness.

 

 

Eleven things about me

 

1. I love the band 311.  My first date with the hubs was to a 311 concert, in fact we met because we both love 311.  We were married on 3/11. We named our son after a 311 song.  Okay we might be a little crazy about it.
2. My son was born on Pnuts birthday. Who is Pnut you ask? he's the bass player in 311. Should I come up with facts that don't involve 311? Okay Okay I'm thinking.
3. I'm an assistant manager. I work for a growing theater company in Utah.  I've been doing it for 10 years now. 5 with a national company and 5 with the company I'm with now.
4. I'm surrounded by boys in my house. We have a boy dog, the hubs and my son.  And I LOVE it! I wouldn't trade it for anything.  In fact I'd be perfectly happy only having boys.
5. I'm terrible at keeping secrets. I always need to tell at least tell one person.  I usually tell the hubs. he's good at keeping secrets.
6. My favorite food is my Grandma's Strogonoff. It's literally the best ever!
7. I've seen all the HIMYM episodes a million times. Okay maybe its not THAT many but its close okay!
8. My Husband is my bestest bestest friend. he's my bbf! I couldn't live my life without him. I really never ever want to.
9. I'm LDS and proud of it. This doesn't mean I'm perfect. I'm no where near.  I try really hard to be a good a Mormon but I am who I am.  It also doesn't mean I hate gays, have horns or a tail. Or any of those other crazy rumors.
10. When I see sales at stores that say 3 for 11 dollars I always feel like I need to do it! I know I said I wouldn't use 311 anymore but its a truth fact.
11. I never thought I'd be strong enough to have a baby.  I'm super proud of myself. Pregnancy sucks but I did it.  and Labor was easier than I thought it would be. I love being a mom!

My Nominees for The Leibster Award are:

 

1. Illuminated
2. Daily Dose of Nutrition
3. Being 50ish and taking on life my way.

 

I'm only nominating 3 because there are so many 11's I have to.. Told you! CRAZY!!...

 

My questions are:

 

1. Why do you blog?
2. If you had a million (tax free) dollars to spend what would you use it for?
3. If you were to go on any reality TV show which would it be? and why?
4. If you could have dinner with any one person alive or dead who would it be? and why?
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?
6. If you had a super power what would it be? and what would you use it for?
7. What is your favorite movie?
8. Where is your favorite vacation spot?
9. What is your favorite book?
10. If you could tell your 15 year old self one thing what would it be?
11. What is your favorite band/artist?

 

 

 

 

  

You don't get an opinion

Here lies one of a few issues I've been having. We all know how I ramble and end up spilling everything when I get going but I'll try to just stick to this one thing.

Just because I had a baby and (maybe) you know what it's like (some of you don't) doesn't give you a right to voice your opinion to me. I don't care. Twitter has been witnessing a bit of a break down on my part and I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel dumb for the whole thing. But my brain is on over load.

Here's the thing. I have been sharing my body with a tiny human for a year. A year? You say. But you were only pregnant for 9 months, You say. Well newsflash says I.. Since I'm breastfeeding I'm STILL sharing my body with my tiny human.

I'm a little tired of everyone telling me how, when, and/or where I can feed my son. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one with a real say in the matter. I'll give a vote to my son since he's the one I'm sharing my body with. And I'll give a vote to the hubs since he's the one I'm sharing my life with. My vote still has more weight behind it, it's like that episode of greys anatomy where she gives her vagina a vote too. I give one to each boob and my vagina since i pushed this baby out. But the rest of the world needs shove their opinions and 'advice' in a very dark hole. Whether that hole is attached to your body is up to you, it's your body I don't get a vote. See how that works?

Sharing your body with a tiny human isn't easy. In fact it's mostly frustrating. A quarter of my day I have someone else attached to my boob. I love him and would do anything for him, hence why I do it, but it's not easy. Nursing babies are the cutest thing I've ever seen. The bonding attached to it is amazing. But it's MY bonding time and if you want to see how cute a nursing baby is have your own baby!! Don't try to get a peek of mine while he's nursing!! What is wrong with you people! Do I have a flashing red light above my head and a guy in a white suit with a fedora with a feather in it standing behind me? I didn't think so! Or if I do I'm not seeing any profits from this and maybe I should find a new guy with a white suit and feathered fedora. But I'm betting you haven't paid a dime. And I'm not for sale.

I'm also pretty sure I know my son best and I know when he last ate. Not you. So zip your lips.

I'm sure I'm putting more focus into this one issue backed by the other million on my mind. With front runner being I return to work waaaay too soon but it's one of the things I've kept my mouth shut about, that I've wanted to share my opinion on and have not. I feel like if I say how I truly feel everyone will turn on me and blame me when all I want to do is be honest and talk. Instead we all walk on egg shells pretending everything is okay when it's not. I HATE it. I'd rather just be honest. But it won't ever happen so I've now been honest about one thing at least. Get over it.

lessons

As my return to work gets closer and closer and I've been thinking a lot about things work related. Things like what I'd really like to do, and ways to improve what I now do.  I had an interview today for another Job with in my company. Its the first time I've really gone for something like this so I was looking at it as more of an opportunity to learn and grow and possibly bring up the job I'd love love love to do, which by they way didn't happen as I couldn't really find an opening for it.

I did however get some good feedback that has been helping me think more about how to improve my current job. (on a side note... I always think of awesome things to say after an interview.  If I could interview over email or text message I'd get any job I wanted.  *Add to list of things to work on coming up with responses quicker.*)

Anyway I currently work in a very Guest *Customer* related field. One of my Favorite quotes reads "Be Kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"  I think this is especially important for customer service people to remember.  Why? Because you have no idea what that Guest who is yelling and screaming at you over a seemingly small issue is going through.  This current issue may be the last straw in a line of terrible horrible things.  And the greatest part about working in a customer service field is that you and only you have an opportunity with this one person to make their day just a tiny bit better. My goal is always to have a guest leave in a better mood than when they first arrived.  I luckily work in an industry where most the time that is what happens.  Most people come to my place of business as an escape from the real world. A place to relax and enjoy some free time.  As a new mom I appreciate this concept even more.  This makes it a little easier for people to leave a little bit happier than when they came. It can also make people more upset if something goes wrong.

My new goal is teach my team that their goal is to do exactly what the aforementioned quote says, and help every guest to leave at least a little happier than when they arrived. I love my team and want them to feel like I support them, and by training them that EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. is important to us, better yet to them as an individual, I think this goal can easily co-exist with making each guest happy. A lot of times I feel like we look at the numbers as a whole instead of each individual person.  This isn't going to result in the best guest service out there. Each of those people deserve to feel like they're important. So as I head back to work this is what I want to focus on.  In doing so I think it will solve more than one problem I've recently learned of. I've always been a big believer in writing down your goals and this is the closest I get to journals so thanks for bearing with me and helping get what I need done.

Let's talk TV!

I haven't been blogging much because I feel like all I'd talk about is my sweet Darth Baby, as he shall be called here. I mean he is pretty freaking cute!

But let's talk TV. It's what I do for all these baby feeding times and I've realized I've yet to share my Big Brother thoughts this season! But first... Wanna hear my How I Met Your Mother theory? Have I shared this before? If I have I'm sharing again:)

I've watched HIMYM probably 20 times, I tend to finish it and start it over sometimes cycling between FRIENDS and The Big Bang Theory. Oh! And sometimes The Office, I love Jim. Anyway I think I know who the mother is.. Are you ready for this? It's Barney's, wait for it, SISTER! yes I said sister! But why do I think this?

We first hear of Barney's sister in the episode where we meet Barney's dad. In fact this is the only time we've heard about her so far, I believe. But what do we know of her? Her name is Carly and she's away at school. And there friends is clue number one. We KNOW Teds future wife is in college.. In fact she's in the same school he now teaches in.

Remember the car accident episode that changes his life, yeah the one where he proposes to Stella. (who by the way I'm glad is NOT the mother. I love Sarah chalk but couldn't like Stella at all.) The whole episode he talks about how that car accident changed his life and the whole time you're thinking, well because he got back together with Stella! Which yes has a little bit to do with it, it's a part of how he gets his job where his future wife, let's just call her Carly because it's easier to type out, is going to school. BUT who else does it bring back into his life? That's right BARNEY! MIRACLE! And where does he meet Carly? Barney's wedding!

Still not convinced. What about the episode where they made a big deal about Barney dating Ted's sister? You know that's going to come back to bite him in the ass.

Okay I'll leave it at that and let you watch for other clues on your own:) Big Brother? I feel like its taken me a bit longer to get in to this one. Even though they've brought back a few previous players that I really like, they are getting on my nerves. Okay I never liked Brittney. But I loved Janelle and I was excited to see her go. I feel like she was playing way too hard. I LOVE Ashley. I think she's adorable and I think Frank is a good guy.. But boogie is ruining his game. I'd love to see Ashley win but I know she won't. Jenn is never shown I'm not sure she's even there most the time. I'm hoping boogie doesn't make it the end, but he seems to have this house by the balls.

What are your HIMYM theories? What did you do during 3 am feedings with your little ones?

Before I was a mom...

Before I was a mom I never would have gone out in public in a camisole with built in bra as my bra. I'd only ever be seen in the best minimizer with underwire, those are the things you do when you have a larger chest. But I haven't worn an underwire in nearly 2 months. I mostly wear only nursing camisoles and oddly I don't feel as awkward or uncomfortable as I would have before. Is it because I just don't care anymore? Or maybe it just really isn't as bad as I would have originally thought?

Before I was a mom I thought it was disgusting when a babies binky would fall out of their mouth and a parent would pick it up stick it in their mouth to clean it and stick it back in their child's mouth. I'd think why can't you just wait until you can wash it?! But now I know sometimes that bink is the only thing between the quiet you were hearing and the war sirens you'll hear if you don't get it back in the babies mouth as soon as possible. I have on several occasions picked up a bink in the middle of a store shoved in my mouth and then given it back to my son. And it's for the benefit of all around me, trust me.

Before I was mom waking me up was an act punishable by death. Now I only sleep 4 maybe 5 hours at a time, if I'm lucky. And I haven't murdered anyone so far..

Before I was a mom blogging, writing and reading were what I did when I had down time. Now my down time consists of holding a sleeping baby. Or napping with him. And on that same subject now that I'm a mom I have a hard time remembering things like the last book I read in the series I'm trying to read. Or what I wanted to blog about. It makes it more difficult to do the things I love.

Before I was a mom I had no idea how much I could love someone Id just met. My life may be 100% different but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Happy fathers day!

This is a special fathers day in my house. It's my husbands first fathers day! He's been the most supportive and amazing father. We are the luckiest wife and son ever! I can't imagine my life with out him!

I also have an amazing dad myself. He's loving being a grandpa! Happy fathers day dad!

Birth Story

My son is finally here! I have never in my life fallen in love so quickly. He is beautiful and amazing and strong and healthy!

I started having contractions around 2am and they began to get worse around 4am.  By 7 when my Husband needed to leave for work they hadn't really changed much so I sent him on his way and told him I'd call him if anything changed. Around 10 I called my Doctor and they said to go ahead and go in. When I got to the hospital I was only dilated to a 1 and the nurse said they may send me home.  I wanted to cry because the pain was pretty awful when I had contractions. So she said she'd try to get me admitted. Whatever she did worked and they admitted me and started me on the epidural.  Can I just say epidurals are your friend.  I LOVED it! with in 10 minutes of getting the epidural I dilated from a 1 to a 5.

My doctor came soon after that to break my water and check in. Things were moving along decently and I wasn't in any pain.  at 7:35 the nurse came in and kicked everyone but my husband out of the room saying its time to start pushing. and at 8:11pm I was looking into the face of my greatest accomplishment ever!  I mean look at him!  He's perfect! 

I'm so glad my labor went as well as it did and now baby and I doing great resting at home.

It's my party let me cry for awhile!

First of all know these few things.  I love my son. I'm excited to meet him. I know I'm lucky to be having him and for the most part I am happy.  But know this too... this post may not be the happiest of times. Lets just get real for minute.

Most of my pregnancy has been okay. I wouldn't say great. I wouldn't say I love it and I wouldn't be strong enough to be a surrogate or give a baby up. It would be WAAAY to hard especially after everything you go through. So I have to give super props to those amazing women who do those things.

Everyone says its normal to start to get scared towards the end of your pregnancy. I always assumed they meant the giving birth part. But honestly.... I look forward to it, bring it!

I've been having some weird issues these last few weeks. Like my face is swollen and makes me want to cry. I've always mostly liked my face well you know its mine.. but now I look at it and see this:

Also I'm scared the swelling is because of my teeth and my mouth may permanently look like that! Okay maybe its a little irrational but its how I feel. And I have to say if I've let you take pictures of me in this state I must love you something fierce because I'm horrified by the camera right now!

I also used to have super cute ankles see:

I'm not showing you what they look like now. no way... lets just say they don't exist. I miss wearing my wedding ring on my finger instead of around my neck... Hell I'd settle for just feeling my fingers at this point, they've been all pins and needles for weeks.

Anyway this baby better not be late or I'll go crazy! If I haven't already...

Happy Mothers Day!

I have had lots of great examples of Mothers in my life and today I am especially grateful to all of them. From my Friends who have been rocking motherhood for years to the ones who have only just started. From all of my friends moms who were willing to be a mom to any of us crazy kids when needed to my stepmom with her endless cooking and sewing for all of us.

But none compare to this lady:

My MOM and me

My Mommy is always willing to listen to anyone, help anyone, give you the shirt of her back, and love the whole world.  It doesn't matter what you've done wrong or what you have said she will still love you. She's always been a mom to all of my friends and sometimes even to her friends. To the best mom I know I love you so much!  Happy Mothers Day!!

I'm also super thankful for this little guy:

For making me a Mommy. He has already stolen my heart!

If you're a Mom or Mom to be or someday plan to be:

 

Watch out or I'll release the hulk!

The closer I get to my due date with this baby the easier it is for me to want to blow up at everyone. Seriously I think I may go postal soon on some poor unsuspecting soul!

The other day I was sitting outside of my theater and a lady walked past with a few of her friends. We have these window decals up in our food court of the little boys from Pixars up coming movie Brave you know these ones:

Well the lady takes one look at the decals and sighs as she turns to her friends to say "there is no way I'll watch some movie about Ginger kids.. I mean seriously? Come on Disney!" it took about every ounce of Self control I own, which isn't much right now, to stay in my seat and not stand up and yell "really lady? Well I didn't want to come out here and watch some fat bitch parade either but what are you going to do?!" I don't know why it pissed me off so bad, I don't have red hair I've never been teased and called a Ginger there is no sore spot for me about the slur. But it was sooo rude! And maybe that comment was somewhat deserving of a little rage, albeit fueled by pregnancy hormones, but I get worse trust me.

Later that night a couple was walking down the halls talking about the movie posters. They paused in front of the total recall poster:

The lady turns to her boyfriend/husband/whoever.. And says "I saw this trailer! It looks really good. They put him into a dream and he doesn't know what's real anymore?" I rolled my eyes as I walked past them fighting the urge to push her over and watch her wobble like a weeble while yelling "it's a remake stupid! And I'm pretty sure you just described Inception!" I know I know.. seriously Andrea?! Who cares what people say about movie posters? But for some reason it seriously got on my nerves!

A few other things that have gotten me close to blow up range that are dumb? An unfair guest complaint about our super awesome management team. People not answering my phone calls or texts, seriously this has never bothered me before! And my hands constantly falling asleep.

What do I do to make myself feel better? I head to 7-11 for a slurpee and donuts..

Of course in the long run this will not make me feel better.. It'll make me feel like a bad parent already for not eating more healthy.. And then the slurpee is foamy and melty and I'm ready to let this guy out!

Ah well such is life... hopefully the rest of the day goes better.

Shuffle me this

Baby boy has been having a dance party all day.  He's a bit big for this and its making me extremely tired and sore... but in his honor I've decided to do one of those put your ipod on shuffle quizes for funsies. First though... We had our last Ultrasound yesterday, which means the next time I see my son I get to actually hold him! I'm 50% effaced and not dilated at all and baby is measuring in the 60th percentile. Anyway enough of the TMI and on to some fun.

How am I feeling today?
Get Ready -Rare Earth

Will I get far in life?
Do you right -311

How do my friends see me?
The Best Damn Thing -Avril Lavigne

What is my best friend's theme song?
Island of Wonder -Nelly Furtado

What is the story of my life?
Ride wit Me- Nelly

What was highschool like?
Time is Precious -311

How can I get ahead in life?
Satellite -Dave Matthews Band

What is the best thing about me?
Phantom of the Opera song -Me first and the Gimme Gimmes

How is today going to be?
Jumpin -Ceara

What is in store for this weekend?
Top of the World - Dixie Chicks

What song describes my parents?
Bringin Da Noise -'Nsync

To describe my grandparents?
Rhythm of the night -moulin rouge soundtrack

How is my life going?
Strong Enough -Stacie Orrico

What song will they play at my funeral?
Lilian- depeche Mode

How does the world see me?
Be with Me -VAST

Will I have a happy life?
Don't Let me Down -311

What do my friends really think of me?
Days -Train

Do people secretly lust after me?
Can't make you love me -Britney Spears

How can I make myself happy?
If I want to -Usher

What should I do with my life?
Headphones -Dirty Heads

What is some good advice for me?
Silence -DJTiesto

How will I be remembered?
Crack the Code -311

What is my signature dancing song?
Requiem On Water -Imperial Mammoth

What do I think my current theme song is?
Soul Meets Body -Death Cab for Cutie

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
The Beautiful People -Marilyn Manson



Well some of those are pretty lame and don't make sense but you get a taste of whats on my iPod I guess:) Plus I've had serious song A.D.D. all day anyway :)

Just 4 more weeks!

Wow I'm 36 weeks pregnant... I only have 4 weeks left!  Is that crazy or what??  This is what I'm looking like these days:

And this is more how I feel:

My emotions have been something like this the past couple of weeks:

And I think I've eaten about 100 boxes of these:

This morning my adorable husband was talking to sweet baby and he felt his little foot and I love the way his face lit up. I'm so lucky to have the most AMAZING husband on the planet. He told me today I'm a princess and he loves me.  I'll never get sick of how great he is.

With in the next 4 weeks I need to get everything all good and squared away at work. but I'm so excited to see my son. 4 more weeks everyone!!

Part 2: child of divorce

This post may end up taking me days to write, and possibly even more time to post. There's a lot to this. I'm not going to speak much of things that caused my parents divorce if I can help it.  I'm not out to hurt my family. But there are things on my mind things I've avoided for years.

I wasn't all that young when my parents got divorced. I was in high school, and maybe that made things worse because I felt like I just needed to be an adult and deal with it. I can't remember exactly when things started getting rough in my family/for my parents. I do remember when I was in 5th grade my  mom, my brother and I  moved to Ohio.  The plan was that we'd stay there for a year and see how things went. I started out brave and maybe even a little excited to start at a new school. But there were issues when we got there.  The apartment that we were going to rent wasn't ready and we had to stay at my grandma's for awhile.  I remember my mom not being very happy about it, and as I look back I wonder if maybe she was displacing her unhappiness.  I vaguely remember some disagreement about drinking glasses, I don't know exactly why I find this important to the story but I remember sadness just building up.

We ended up only staying the summer. I never even started at the new school. Our family dog got hit by a car back in Utah and I remember crying and feeling like I needed to be with my dad too. He was alone now and no one was happy where we were.  It wasn't very long after we moved back home that we moved into the house my dad lives in now. I can't say I remember a lot between then and when my mom moved out. I've blocked a lot of it I think.  I honestly don't even remember exactly when or how the end actually all came about. But like I said, I was in High school, I remember thinking I was fine, and it didn't matter. But I wasn't really going to school, or trying, I figured I was just being a teenager and I just didn't want to be at school.  I spent most my days with people making poor choices and doing stupid things, while I pushed feelings inside and ignored any pain.

I started this intending to share more feelings than story, however that is harder than I expected. I don't think that my life would have been better if my parents had stayed together. I do think I should have faced my feelings about it all instead of jumping into a serious relationship, which I don't think is a good idea for any teenager, but it's common. Or just ignoring every feeling, which I've realized I do a lot of until I see things again and blow up all my feelings about situations on other people. I also kind of live by this I wouldn't have what I do if life had turned out differently, so I always have a hard time saying I should/shouldn't have done this or that. That attitude may add to how I never face issues, I don't really know.

I really feel like this post hasn't done what I wanted it to, but maybe its just a start still. I've been working on a list of people I need to forgive. on this list I'm supposed to do first all the people I feel have greatly hurt me and then everyone I can remember ever (including even some random lady who stole my parking spot).  I've been trying to work out feelings as I write each name. It's funny the emotion just writing a name can bring.  It's strange how far back feelings really go.

The Fear

So far through out my pregnancy I haven't been scared of what's to come at the end. I've been excited to hold my little one and have this experience. Everyone asks me if I'm scared and I've honestly been able to answer that I'm not. Every night I have to get up about 700 times to pee, its a little insane. And a lot of the time it takes me a really long time to fall back asleep, I'm just getting that no sleep practice in I suppose. And last night about 2 am was the first time I had any real anxiety about labor. I still don't want to call it fear but I had about 15 minutes of "Oh my goodness I have to push this ever growing human out of a very small space!"  

I think this fear was brought about because things are changing fast now. With my son gaining at least 1/2 a pound a week now, things leaking that have never had a purpose before, the back pains, and occasional Braxton Hicks contractions, it's all becoming a little more real.   I only have 7 weeks left. 7 weeks to make sure everything at work is taken care of, 7 weeks to make sure I have everything needed for baby (Which I don't even know everything I need!!). 

On one hand I'm ready to be done with all that.  On the other I feel like there is so much left to do.  The anxiety has calmed down a bit again.  But it makes me laugh how the closer I get the more people tell me how much it hurts, followed by breastfeeding horror stories. Thanks love you all:)  I guess I'll be more prepared, or I'll just think I am and it will be worse than I think! LOL really I'm quite excited for my son to get here all in all.

Part 1

I said in my previous post that I've been working on a few things in my personal life. I'd say I've been quietly working on these things, praying and dealing with them inside my head for about a month.. And I've been semi talking things through with the hubs for about a week. But as always I like to write things out. These posts will keep the titles of part 1 or whatever part I'm at and I will not be posting links to them on twitter or Facebook. This really is just for me. I'm happy to share with others who would like to follow along but in no way expect or hope anyone will.

In a previous post called 'Grateful' I told a very tiny part of my history. I struggled with that post. I didn't want to bring up a past that would hurt my husband or be portrayed as a message to someone else. I've felt very unsure of this post and many times contemplated pulling it entirely. And really it's a very very tiny part of my story. But it's a start to what I'm working through. It's a part of something I thought I had gotten over but as I look inside myself I'm finding a path that goes further back than that.

When my parents got divorced I was given a book (I honestly don't remember by who. I remember talking to one psychologist who told me I had some pent up anger, which only made me mad at her.. Or so I thought at the time. But really looking back maybe I was just redirecting that anger. Maybe the book came from her?) the book is called the forgiveness formula, I've never even opened this book. My thought process being I have no one to forgive. But recently I was sitting home on my day off and I just started bawling (well yeah I'm pregnant) and this book popped into my mind and I knew it was sitting downstairs calling to me. I hit a breaking point. I hit a fork in the road and my heart cried out to me I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm not going to go into too much detail in this part about everything that seemed to hit me all at once, but I may eventually get there. Its stuff still being worked through in my head and stuff I'm a little scared to share still.

But I do want to share, and maybe it's a little window into how I feel, somethings I've really liked in the book so far.

'withholding forgiveness is valid for as long as it serves you. Those who have not experienced much pain in their lives are often the first to advocate forgiveness, as though it were a moral failing not to forgive. Those people urging easy forgiveness often have no great understanding of the suffering involved.'

I like this because again as I look back through my past, my understanding and hurt from certain situations is much greater than others. I'm realizing exactly where my hurt is coming from and working on my journey through these things.

The book gives 10 golden rules I wanted to share a few of my favorites.

-You are the only one who can change- those who have done you wrong have nothing to do with your forgiveness process.
-You can only forgive when you are ready. It won't work until you are.
-If you can learn to forgive yourself, you are more than halfway there.

The book also shared a story of a brother and sister who hadn't spoken for 40 years. Neither could even remember exactly why they stopped talking at that point. But the sister died before they could ever reconnect.

I cried through this whole story. My grandfather has a similar story and it relates to people I love right now, right here. I know things need to change in my life. I know I want a happier life for my son. And I know that some of the ugly things I hold inside need to leave and go away forever. But I'm only at part 1. Writing it has gotten me much closer to part 2.

Forgiveness means completely letting go the hurt a person has done to you. But it does not mean forgetting what has happened. We need to remember so we can learn from them to better our own lives and pass on a happier generation.

So my journey begins.

Pile Up

I've been working through somethings in my life lately and I'm learning that some of my issues go really far back.  I've learned that things seem to all happen at once and every little thing can lead to something else.

This is a little how my life is.  I've been working through some feelings in my personal life. I've been dealing with problem after problem at work. And trying to figure out insurance nonsense. I don't want to go into a whole lot of detail of what I've been going through especially in my personal life because I'm still working on it. And I'd rather not talk about work because I'm tired of telling the same story over and over for now just assume everything is 'just broken.'

I have questions about insurance stuff but am not sure who it is I should ask..... so I'm mostly writting this pointless post to get a little of the things spining in my head out... sorry if it makes no sense:) If you happen to know anything about Health insurance and want to answer some questions for me I'd appreciate it:)

Hope your life isn't as piled up as mine right now!

Grateful

I'm going to start this post with a bit of a disclaimer. The subject matter of this post is something I've been thinking about since I got pregnant, that's 7 months now. We all know I do better writing my feelings out. This is intended as a part of MY journey only not anything against, or for anyone I know. This is probably the most personal I've been on this blog in awhile. 'If I get it all down on paper(blog) it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to.. These words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to' As always.. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT DON'T READ IT. You've been warned, I'm not out to start drama, so if you take offense it's on you not me;)

We had our birthing class today. A lot of it wasn't too new in information. But it was a good class. We got to see the hospital we'll be having the baby in. And get more in detail about the steps of labor and delivery. Knowledge is power after all. although they showed me the epidural needle and I'm not sure that knowledge has any power, except in my nightmares! But anyway.

Sitting in front of us was a couple, the husband had been married before and had 2 girls and this was the wife's first baby. This situation hit me close to home. I don't know what people know of my past but my ex had 2 girls and had previously been married. As I sat there I couldn't help thinking how lucky I was to be in my situation and not the one sitting right in front of me, I had come all too close to that. And what I didn't know at the time of that relationship was 1. It was so far from what I wanted and 2. So opposite and wrong from what was out there and waiting for me.

When I was in this previous relationship I had this giant insecurity about everything we did because he'd already done it and I felt like I wasn't special or important because of this. When this relationship started to get more serious and we talked about things like moving in together, marriage and kids I would hope with all hopes that if we did have a kid, we could have a boy so it would be different and a first for us both.

I have to veer off a tiny bit and say I think this isn't the greatest reason to want a girl or boy. What if we'd had a girl? I think I would've struggled with that, all because he'd done it before. Now that I'm in this loving, real and happy relationship and we're having our first baby together it really didn't matter to me what we had. I'm beyond thrilled to be having a boy, because he's mine and he's hubs and he's being born from a love that will keep on burning. And I honestly don't care if we end up with all boys or a combo of both.. Because they'll be ours!

The reason I feel like I need to get this all out is because I can't imagine my life without my husband. And the security he provides me, both physically and mentally. I was so lost for awhile. I'm so grateful for how everything ended up. I can't ever tell anyone how much I love and care for my husband. No one would understand. And I think I needed to go through all of those insecurities and horrible times in my life so I could understand it myself. So I could truly appreciate my husband and son.

When my other relationship ended it felt like the dark side of the moon and meeting hubs was like moving to paradise. I don't know that what I'm feeling or what it is inside of me is coming across right, but I had to share it. As I sat there today listening to the husband in front of us lean over to his 'new' wife after everything the nurse said to say oh it was like that with daughter #1, or we did that with daughter #2, I felt my need to share a bit of my story grow. I felt my heart grow thankful for Hubs and even the sad and broken times in my previous life. I'm soooo excited to share this new experience with my husband to learn with him, to grow with him, and to be on the same level and page as him. I never knew exactly what I wanted until I met him and his fingers interlaced with mine. I was a goner the second I looked in his eyes and suddenly my whole life made sense. I know this baby will probably change my view of life a bit again, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm with the right man. I'm in the right situation. We did it the right way for us. And I'll love him forever.

A Song

I was just sitting catching up on some blogs and looking at my Friend Miken's blog and the beautiful pictures of the new baby. When a picture of BIL2 popped into my head of him holding Nephew(K) at the hospital when Nephew(M) was born.  And I swear at the same second that picture came to mind my ipod started playing one of the first songs I heard after hearing about his death. and cue the pregnancy water works. I really wish that I would be able to get pictures of BIL2 with my sweet baby!

anyway I figured I'd share the song and try to compose myself a little.

Favorite Things

Okay here's something embarrassing, I was listening to my ipod and favorite things came on, you know the song from Sound of Music? I love that song... but anyway I've been trying to think of something to blog about.. I know I've done something similar in posts before but here are the things that make me happy when I'm sad.

The way my husband looks at me. 

When I saw you I fell in love. and you smiled because you knew. -William Shakespeare

The fact that I get to keep my family forever.

I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

My baby boy! he's all super cute and wiggly!  I can't wait to meet him, hold him and love him forever. 

You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

Having been Married for 2 years and only loving my husband more and more everyday!

Newlyweds become oldyweds, and oldyweds are the reasons that families work. ~Author Unknown

My house and being able to decorate my sons room anyway I want to.

Home is where the heart is.

Spring! and having a yard full of pretty spring just outside my door.



 No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb

My Nursery class.

I am a child of God

My family.

I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. ~Dan Wilcox

My everyday kisses from Hubs.

A kiss seals two souls for a moment in time. ~Levende Waters

All about Baby

We recently had our Maternity pictures done by Jon at perceptional reality. And they turned out so super cute!

Here's a few: (All rights belong to perceptional reality)

 We've been working on the baby room.  there is still more I want to do but its coming along pretty nice:)

That's all I've got for now just wanted to share:) oh but its spring time and look how beautiful my trees are!!